Suffering and Growing

As the saying goes, no one is perfect, we are all born with flaws. Some flaws are physical and visually noticeable others flaws are beyond skin deep.

I'm certainly not perfect, yet my one personal goal is to practise compassion for others. It is difficult to have compassion for everyone around us all the time. Our own personal lives are consumed with our own day to day challenges from juggling our careers, personal relationships, love, dating, marriage, financial worries, personal illness, raising children, and the list goes on. Often we only have room to practice compassion for those closest to us. When someone rudely and fully aware has cut me off in traffic, I refrain from giving them the 1 finger salute. When I'm eating a meal at a resturaunt and our server is providing really poor service I muster up the patience to give them the benefit of the doubt, who know's what kind of day they have had. When someone is going through a difficult time in their life, and take their pain out on me I try to practice compassion, because I know they are suffering. I don't take it personally. To practice compassion we have to understand what that truly means.

My dear friend Kunga, is a Tibetan Monk he has been somewhat of a mentor to me over the last year. He is a Buddhist and he has taught me many things, but most importantly he has taught me the significance of compassion. The definition of compassion is: wanting others to be free from suffering. So compassion is the definition of the highest scope of motivation. It is said that to generate genuine compassion, one needs to realize that oneself is suffering, that an end to suffering is possible, and that other beings similarly I want to be free from suffering. When someone is suffering they ultimately feel alone, in a dark place, where no one else could possibly relate or understand what they are experiencing as their pain is so great. According to the Buddha, whatever life we lead, it has the nature of some aspect of suffering. Even if we consider ourselves happy for a while, this happiness is transitory by nature. This mean that at best, we can only find temporary happiness and pleasure in life.

Suffering can be distinguished in three types: 1. Suffering of suffering: this refers to the most obvious aspects like pain, fear and mental distress. 2. Suffering of change: refers to the problems that change brings, like joy disappears, nothing stays, decay and death. 3. All-pervasive suffering: this is the most difficult to understand aspect, it refers to the fact that we always have the potential to suffer or can get into problematic situations. Even death is not a solution in Buddhist philosophy, as we will simply find ourselves being reborn in a different body, which will also experience problems. The times when you are suffering can be those exact same moments when you are open, and where you are extremely vulnerable and that can be where your greatest strength really lies. When I have faced a difficult time in my life, I say to myself: “I am not going to run away from this suffering. I want to use it in the best and richest way I can, so that I can become more compassionate and more helpful to others.” I have grown to understand that suffering, can teach us about compassion. If you suffer, you will know and understand how it feels when others suffer. If you are in a position to help others, it is through your suffering that you will find the understanding and compassion to do so. For those who know me, know of my past losses, and past difficulties, and those who love me and support me, have shown me great patience and compassion in my darker moments and for that I am grateful. I have been told over the years by a few people, that I am too nice or let others take me for granted. I have been told that I should hate my enemies or hate the enemies of my friends. I've been asked by people how I can not hate those who have done me wrong. I don't see the worth or value in hating anyone. When I come across someone who chooses to be mean, or rude or harmful, I practice compassion. Instead of utilizing my energy towards hating someone who has been awful to me, or to others I care about, I find a way to think positive. I'm no genius, I haven't discovered anything special or new. I just choose to find a more positive experience with my energy. It's too emotionally and mentally exhausting to hate someone who has done you wrong. Rather than exert my energy in a negative way by having bad thoughts about someone who has done bad things to me, I exert my energy in a different way. I pray for them to get better, or feel better as I know they are suffering. Ultimately if they get better, they will be a better person, and hopefully stop hurting within, and therefore stop hurting others.

When someone is rude or mean to me, or purposely goes out of their way to cause me pain, I know it is because they are hurting inside, they are the one's who are truly suffering. Now all this talk sounds like I have come across some bad evil people in my life. But in actuality there really is only one person in my 40 years of living, who I can think of that challenges my ability to be compassionate. For the sake of being anonymous I won't name this person. How ever this person has made my compassion for them stronger and stronger. The more harm this person creates for others the more I pray for them. They do not know they have a problem or that they are mentally not well. They live in denial, consumed by their own lies, and betrayal and self harm. I know this person is sad and an unhappy with their life. Their insecurities and fears are so much more clearer to me now that I understand where their suffering and struggling comes from, and how and why they take their pain out on others. They hurt others and put those who trust them the most at risk of being hurt or harmed. It is because of this person's illness and wrong doing's that I pray for them, and practice compassion, and believe me this is not an easy task by any means. It is my hope one day that this person get's better and seeks help, and so I will continue to pray for them, and practice compassion towards them. Sometimes we think that to develop an open heart, and to be truly loving and compassionate, means that we need to be passive, or to allow others to abuse us, and smile while others walk all over us. Yet this is not what is meant by compassion. Quite the contrary. Compassion is not at all weak. It is the strength that arises out of seeing the true nature of suffering in the world. Compassion allows us to bear witness to that suffering, whether it is in ourselves or others, without fear; it allows us to name injustice without hesitation, and to act strongly, with all the skill at our disposal. To develop this mind state of compassion is to learn to live, as Buddha put it, with sympathy for all living beings, without exception. So even those who have caused us grief and pain are deserving of our forgiveness and compassion for those are the people who need it the most.

Everyone feels some type of compassion, but it is human nature to get self absorbed and desensitized by the media and the news and so our compassion becomes flawed. We measure it out. What do I mean by that? Well think about yourself for a minute. Where do you fit in? Some of us feel compassion for human beings but not for animals and other types of sentient beings. Animal activists and animal lovers may only feel compassion for animals and some other types of sentient beings but not for humans due to all the cruelty they have seen by the hands of humans. Others, who feel compassion for human beings, feel compassion for the human beings of their own country but not for the human beings of other countries. Some of us are only able to feel compassion for our friends and family but don't extend our compassion for anyone else. It seems that we draw a line somewhere when it comes to our compassion. Maybe it is easier for us to block out all the pain in the world when see starving children in third world countries,or people who are prisoners of war, rape and violence. How is it that we can feel compassion for those on one side of the line but not for those on the other side of the line? We feel compassion for one group but not for another. That is where our compassion is flawed.

Buddha says "Everyone wants compassion, and we can extend our compassion to everyone". I'm not a religious person, I don't attend church or belong to any religious community. But I am a spiritual person I feel connected to people and to the universe. I hope I can inspire at least one person to try to understand and practice compassion and recognize that everyone suffers. Imagine what kind of world we could possibly live in if we all had compassion?