A Letter To My Husband

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for supporting me in being the rock I needed you to be, when I wasn't always so strong. Thank you for being there for me in my darkest hours, even though you were hurting too. Thank you for being committed to me and never leaving me, even when I asked you to, so that you could be with someone who could give you the family you wanted. Thank you for coming to all my Doctor's appointment's when you were really busy at work. You took the time to be by my side even though you had been to these appointment's a hundred times. Thank you for being my friend, in listening to me and understanding my need to keep trying for a baby. Thank you for never faulting me or burdening me with blame for not being able to give you a baby. Thank you for believing in me, and having faith in me, even though the experts told us the odds were against us. Thank you for being so willing to try again and again, even though 5 years of fertility drugs felt like your wife had turned into Jekyll and Hyde. Thank you for wanting me affectionately and intimately throughout my pregnancy and changing body. Thank you for allowing me to have my emotional hormonal moments, and never holding it against me. Thank you for not getting upset with me when the house is messy, even though you have OCD and it drives you crazy. Thank you for never complaining about eating chicken quasidillas or spaghetti for the last year, because most day's I'm too tired to make anything else. Thank you for never noticing that my legs and bikini needed to be deseperately waxed, because my skin was just too sensitive during pregnancy to maintain regular waxing. Thank you for telling me that you love the way I look, even though I have been living in jeans, sweats and t shirts and pony tails for the last year. Thank you for finding me desirable as the day we first met, even though I have a scar from my C section and still carrying an extra 20lbs. Thank you for supporting me and encouraging me to breast feed our baby girl, even when I became so frustrated and uncomfortable, without your help I may have given up more easily. Thank you for taking time off from work after our daughter was born, so that you could help me adjust to being a new mom. Thank you for taking our baby every weekend mornings to Tim Hortons to get a coffee, so I could get the sleep I need to be a better mom and wife. Thank you for only having eyes for me at the poolside on our holiday in Vegas, even though I don't look nearly as good in a bikini as everyone else. Thank you for hiring a house cleaner to help me out, because you understand how fast my day goes by and it seems nothing ever get's done. Thank you for happily eating the supper I finally made for you, even though the chicken is over cooked, the corn is over boiled and the potato is over baked, because I got busy with the baby and forgot about supper. Thank you for remaining faithful and loyal to me, even though I may not have as much time for you right now with a new baby. Thank you for being patient with me, even when I'm freaking out because I only had 1 hour sleep the night before. Thank you for treating me as your wife first, even though on most day's it feel's like I'm just a mom. Thank you for respecting me as a friend, even though my day may not always be as interesting as yours you still show interest in what I did that day. Thank you for reminding me that even though my life is about nursing, burping, cleaning up puke, changing diaper's and caring for our daughter, I am still beautiful and sexy and nothing has changed between us. Thank you for respecting my body, when I'm just too tired and run down, you offer a back massage with no motive. Thank you for trusting me in being your daughter's step mother, allowing me to be an integral part of her life, even though I had no prior experience in being a mom. Thank you for making the effort and enforcing our date nights every week, even when I'm tired, cranky and have no energy to leave the house. Thank you for supporting me in staying home, so I can raise our daughter in a loving, nurturing, supportive, fun and exploring way that is line with our family values. Thank you for being my husband and thank you for loving me.

A Tribute To Our Unborn Babies We Loved You Very Much

A Tribute to our Unborn Babies We Loved You Very Much Dear Family and Friends: My hopes are that in reading our story you will appreciate the life you have and take a minute to hold those who are close and dear to you. It is also my hopes that burried in my own pain and despair that I am able to help someone else who is in pain. We are not alone in our losses, we are not alone in our suffering it is through our suffering we become stronger and have compassion for others. We are strong, we are women we survive and we thrive, we are women. It was a difficult time for my husband and I and while our hearts are still broken from loosing both of our babies, it has changed us forever. We wanted to tell you a bit about our babies story up until this day and how much they were loved and how much they will be missed. This is a tribute to our unborn babies. After quite some time of trying to conceive my husband and I went through the lengthy process of fertility treatments. The journey was an emotional and financially exhausting one but well worth every obstacle. After our first IVF cycle, we were delighted when we found out we were pregnant with twins. We felt so blessed to be given the gift of two babies. I loved these babies before I was even pregnant. Having been through fertility treatment I had started to visualize myself becoming pregnant, being pregnant and having a baby in my arms. I envisioned myself with a growing belly, glowing skin, larger breasts, morning sickness, food cravings. All the wonderful and not so wonderful things about being pregnant I had been dreaming of for years. I laid in bed at night imagining myself nursing them, cuddling them, signing to them, playing with them, kissing and loving them. Once we found out we were pregnant with twins, my check ups and health care was more frequent than a singleton pregnancy. Throughout the process of check ups, I fell in love all over again, and became instantly attached to my babies. I thought we may never be able to have children so the thought of having twins was a true blessing. After my latest check up and ultra sound at 8 weeks, I received a concerning phone call from my Doctors office that one of the babies had a very low heart rate. I was worried yet tried to maintain optimistic. I was scheduled to have another ultrasound three days later that put me at 9 weeks pregnant. Sadly we discovered that one of our babies had a weak heart and it had just given up. After speaking with the Doctor I was advised that it is quite common in a first time twin pregnancy to loose one of the babies, its called “The Vanishing Twin Syndrome”. We were terribly sadden, we felt torn about the loss of one baby. Yet we felt joy in the blessing of another baby. It was a very hard feeling to explain to friends and family. We felt lucky enough to still be pregnant but we grieved the loss of one baby. Although we remained positive and strong for the other baby, it was an overwhelming feeling of guilt for being happy that one baby made it but the other one didn't. At our 13 week check up and ultra sound which is called the dreaded Nuchal Test we were asked to go sit in room number six. I’ll never forget that feeling of waiting in the small room they put you in with your husband after your tests. The waiting was agonizing, and seemed like hours passed till the Doctor came in the room. The Doctor walked in with teary eyes, I thought this cant be good as Doctors never show much emotion strictly from a professional standpoint. To our nightmarish surprise, she gave us the results of our tests. She said “I’m so sorry, you have both gone through so much and have come this far to get such bad news”. I felt numb, and her voice seemed faded far away in the distance. As she read back the results, all I heard where the odds and they were odds that could not beaten. 1 in 2 chances of T18, 1 in 3 chances of T21 and 1 in 3 chances of T13. We went for another advanced screening and ultrasound. We found out that our baby had a chromosome disorder called Trisomy 18. We could see our baby had no nose, clubbed hands and clubbed feet. His little neck was so beyond the range of what was normal to score a baby's fluid in the neck. All babies have some fluid at the back of their neck. But many babies with Down's syndrome have an increased amount. An NT of less than 3.5mm is considered normal when your baby measures between 45mm and 84mm. Our son had fluid that measured over 8.99 mm. Anything greater than 2.5 mm may be a risk of down syndrome. We new that our baby had one of the three medical conditions, and knowing that the T18 was the fatal one, we were hoping that our baby would have T21 Down Syndrome because then we could at least have a chance of giving birth to our son, and raise him regardless of his medical conditions. Unfortunately, after more blood work, and ultrasounds and biopsy, we knew without a doubt, our baby had 3 chromosomes in the 18th position instead of the normal pair. At our next ultrasound at 15 weeks our baby had Choroid plexus cyst: This is a cyst within the blood vessels in the developing fetal brain. If cycsts are present, particularly with other markers it increases the risks of chromosomal trisomy (especially Edward's syndrome - trisomy 18), Unlike Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 is fatal, with two-thirds of the babies not making it to term and 90 percent of those that do typically live no more than a few hours or a few months at best. We decided to go ahead under the recommendation of our Fertility Doctor's advice in having a biopsy as we needed to be certain our baby had Trisomy 18. The results came back 99.9% positive for T18. We were devastated I questioned everything, I questioned my faith, God, even my own ability to be a woman a wife, and a mother. I saw the disappointment and pain in my husbands eye's but he remained strong for my benefit. The pain was unbearable. I was so angry. So sick, and enraged at the world. I thought how could this be, how could we get this far to just loose both our of babies. When we lost the first baby I grieved but I thanked God for the blessing of the other baby. We thought we were out of the clear being in the 2nd trimester with our son. We lost our 2nd baby at 16.5 weeks pregnant. I loved him so much. Some people may not understand but after a few days of grieving I realized we were blessed to have discovered our babies condition in advance. 90% of the babies with Trisomy 18 that are actually born are stillborn. With all of our babies conditions that had been diagnosed by the biopsy, we didn't want our baby to suffer anymore. We were advised by a Genetic Specialist that at 5 month's babies begin to feel. Any pain or discomfort that would be caused as a result of our babies medical condition would begin to effect our baby. Over the next few days we had time to prepare intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Intellectually, we set out to learn as much about T18 as we could. We met with physicians, specialists, and genetic counselors. We searched the Internet and read as much as we could. We read stories of others who had had T18 babies. We learned that for T18 babies, it is as if they don't quite get finished developing. For example, their brains are not properly developed; certain neurons don't make it all the way to the outside of the brain but remain in little clusters throughout the brain. This means that our baby boy would have problems in the womb and doing basic, instinctive, functions like sucking, swallowing, and breathing. We soon were advised that our baby had no chance of survival and certainly couldn’t bare the thought of our baby suffering. I felt so robbed, so out of control and utterly helpless. I wallowed in self pity, and felt so alone for the first time in my life. Throughout the process and many tests, we also learned that our baby faced other typical problems. The more we learned about our babies health the more it tore me apart. He had holes in his little heart that would never close, and his organs didn't properly connect to each other and never would. This was important for us to learn, because it helped us understand that fixing some of our babies problems would not be helpful to our baby because the Trisomy 18 itself would not be fixable. There was nothing we could do to save our baby. We understood that even if our baby was born alive, we would not have more than a few hours with him. Knowing our baby was suffering, and that the pain would only become worse, I couldn't bare the thought of my baby suffering any longer. Of course, our path of education and preparation led us through the gamut of emotions. From the devastation of finding out that our baby had a genetic defect to the helplessness of knowing that he could not live, we cried like no pain we had ever felt before as we drowned in each other's tears. The time we had before we knew we would loose our baby allowed us to explore our feelings and come to peace with them. It also gave us time to prepare our family members that our baby was sick and would not able to ever come home with us. All the maternity clothes were not going to be worn, all the new baby toy's were not going to be opened. The baby's room would not be filled with coo's and ga ga's. So we made a box and donated our babies belongings. In June 2009 we burried our unborn son and planted flower's in his memory. While we are grieving the loss of unborn son, we are completely at peace, and are relieved that our baby won't have to suffer or struggle any longer. We are so thankful for your love and support throughout this part of our journey, and we know we will continue to need it for many days and months to come. UPDATE 5 years later, and 6 IVF Cycles later at the age of 41 years old, we finally have a beautiful baby girl born Feb 2013.