Suffering and Growing

As the saying goes, no one is perfect, we are all born with flaws. Some flaws are physical and visually noticeable others flaws are beyond skin deep.

I'm certainly not perfect, yet my one personal goal is to practise compassion for others. It is difficult to have compassion for everyone around us all the time. Our own personal lives are consumed with our own day to day challenges from juggling our careers, personal relationships, love, dating, marriage, financial worries, personal illness, raising children, and the list goes on. Often we only have room to practice compassion for those closest to us. When someone rudely and fully aware has cut me off in traffic, I refrain from giving them the 1 finger salute. When I'm eating a meal at a resturaunt and our server is providing really poor service I muster up the patience to give them the benefit of the doubt, who know's what kind of day they have had. When someone is going through a difficult time in their life, and take their pain out on me I try to practice compassion, because I know they are suffering. I don't take it personally. To practice compassion we have to understand what that truly means.

My dear friend Kunga, is a Tibetan Monk he has been somewhat of a mentor to me over the last year. He is a Buddhist and he has taught me many things, but most importantly he has taught me the significance of compassion. The definition of compassion is: wanting others to be free from suffering. So compassion is the definition of the highest scope of motivation. It is said that to generate genuine compassion, one needs to realize that oneself is suffering, that an end to suffering is possible, and that other beings similarly I want to be free from suffering. When someone is suffering they ultimately feel alone, in a dark place, where no one else could possibly relate or understand what they are experiencing as their pain is so great. According to the Buddha, whatever life we lead, it has the nature of some aspect of suffering. Even if we consider ourselves happy for a while, this happiness is transitory by nature. This mean that at best, we can only find temporary happiness and pleasure in life.

Suffering can be distinguished in three types: 1. Suffering of suffering: this refers to the most obvious aspects like pain, fear and mental distress. 2. Suffering of change: refers to the problems that change brings, like joy disappears, nothing stays, decay and death. 3. All-pervasive suffering: this is the most difficult to understand aspect, it refers to the fact that we always have the potential to suffer or can get into problematic situations. Even death is not a solution in Buddhist philosophy, as we will simply find ourselves being reborn in a different body, which will also experience problems. The times when you are suffering can be those exact same moments when you are open, and where you are extremely vulnerable and that can be where your greatest strength really lies. When I have faced a difficult time in my life, I say to myself: “I am not going to run away from this suffering. I want to use it in the best and richest way I can, so that I can become more compassionate and more helpful to others.” I have grown to understand that suffering, can teach us about compassion. If you suffer, you will know and understand how it feels when others suffer. If you are in a position to help others, it is through your suffering that you will find the understanding and compassion to do so. For those who know me, know of my past losses, and past difficulties, and those who love me and support me, have shown me great patience and compassion in my darker moments and for that I am grateful. I have been told over the years by a few people, that I am too nice or let others take me for granted. I have been told that I should hate my enemies or hate the enemies of my friends. I've been asked by people how I can not hate those who have done me wrong. I don't see the worth or value in hating anyone. When I come across someone who chooses to be mean, or rude or harmful, I practice compassion. Instead of utilizing my energy towards hating someone who has been awful to me, or to others I care about, I find a way to think positive. I'm no genius, I haven't discovered anything special or new. I just choose to find a more positive experience with my energy. It's too emotionally and mentally exhausting to hate someone who has done you wrong. Rather than exert my energy in a negative way by having bad thoughts about someone who has done bad things to me, I exert my energy in a different way. I pray for them to get better, or feel better as I know they are suffering. Ultimately if they get better, they will be a better person, and hopefully stop hurting within, and therefore stop hurting others.

When someone is rude or mean to me, or purposely goes out of their way to cause me pain, I know it is because they are hurting inside, they are the one's who are truly suffering. Now all this talk sounds like I have come across some bad evil people in my life. But in actuality there really is only one person in my 40 years of living, who I can think of that challenges my ability to be compassionate. For the sake of being anonymous I won't name this person. How ever this person has made my compassion for them stronger and stronger. The more harm this person creates for others the more I pray for them. They do not know they have a problem or that they are mentally not well. They live in denial, consumed by their own lies, and betrayal and self harm. I know this person is sad and an unhappy with their life. Their insecurities and fears are so much more clearer to me now that I understand where their suffering and struggling comes from, and how and why they take their pain out on others. They hurt others and put those who trust them the most at risk of being hurt or harmed. It is because of this person's illness and wrong doing's that I pray for them, and practice compassion, and believe me this is not an easy task by any means. It is my hope one day that this person get's better and seeks help, and so I will continue to pray for them, and practice compassion towards them. Sometimes we think that to develop an open heart, and to be truly loving and compassionate, means that we need to be passive, or to allow others to abuse us, and smile while others walk all over us. Yet this is not what is meant by compassion. Quite the contrary. Compassion is not at all weak. It is the strength that arises out of seeing the true nature of suffering in the world. Compassion allows us to bear witness to that suffering, whether it is in ourselves or others, without fear; it allows us to name injustice without hesitation, and to act strongly, with all the skill at our disposal. To develop this mind state of compassion is to learn to live, as Buddha put it, with sympathy for all living beings, without exception. So even those who have caused us grief and pain are deserving of our forgiveness and compassion for those are the people who need it the most.

Everyone feels some type of compassion, but it is human nature to get self absorbed and desensitized by the media and the news and so our compassion becomes flawed. We measure it out. What do I mean by that? Well think about yourself for a minute. Where do you fit in? Some of us feel compassion for human beings but not for animals and other types of sentient beings. Animal activists and animal lovers may only feel compassion for animals and some other types of sentient beings but not for humans due to all the cruelty they have seen by the hands of humans. Others, who feel compassion for human beings, feel compassion for the human beings of their own country but not for the human beings of other countries. Some of us are only able to feel compassion for our friends and family but don't extend our compassion for anyone else. It seems that we draw a line somewhere when it comes to our compassion. Maybe it is easier for us to block out all the pain in the world when see starving children in third world countries,or people who are prisoners of war, rape and violence. How is it that we can feel compassion for those on one side of the line but not for those on the other side of the line? We feel compassion for one group but not for another. That is where our compassion is flawed.

Buddha says "Everyone wants compassion, and we can extend our compassion to everyone". I'm not a religious person, I don't attend church or belong to any religious community. But I am a spiritual person I feel connected to people and to the universe. I hope I can inspire at least one person to try to understand and practice compassion and recognize that everyone suffers. Imagine what kind of world we could possibly live in if we all had compassion?

According to Hollywood

Trying to fit in this world for many young girls today must be beyond scary and intimidating.

I mean seriously, it's hard enough being my age, at 40, as it seems everyone around me is 21, has long gorgeous full wavy shinny hair, air brushed perfect skin, cute little buns of steel, and to add to the pressure, Megan Fox's sex appeal. With all the music video's, movies and magazines featuring skinny models with huge collagen injected lips, botox filled faces, tiny little plastic noses, over sized breast implants and unrealistic proportions it must really make growing up for young girls very difficult.

I wonder, and worry about the future of young girls who are growing up in a society obsessed with body image and cosmetic surgeries. Every where you look whether it's on Entertainment Tonight, TMZ or the latest issue of People Magazines there are photo's of celebrities who have gone under the knife all attempting to appear to look younger, or prettier in order to fit a certain Hollywood mold. I don't understand this cosmetic altering movement? Maybe I'm missing something? I don't know? I was watching a reality show the other night, which I seldom do, and came across the Desperate House Wives of Orange County. Thank God I was watching the show by myself, because my eye's popped out and my jaw dropped as I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn't help wonder how these once naturally beautiful women, could become so insecure, that they felt the need to undergo so many obvious cosmetic surgeries. It was like watching hard plastic stuffed dolls trying to talk with zero facial expressions. Their eyes were peeled back so far it made my eyeballs dry up just staring at them. Their lips were protruding 4 inches out, it was difficult to take them serious anytime anyone one of them spoke. All of their noses looked like they were cut from the same cloth, tiny thin little plastic looking narrow noses. I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful, but something is clearly wrong. How did beautiful women one day wake up and feel the need to ruin their beautiful faces? I couldn't help but think, has Hollywood gone mad? Are they all drinking from the same KoolAid jar? When did this look become attractive?

When I was growing up I never worried about having perfect hair, or airbrushed skin or a narrow little nose. I wasn't concerned about my upper lip being 4 inches thicker than my bottom lip, or my breasts being the same size of the feature dancer at the local strip club. Growing up, I worried about making the Division 1 Soccer team, making new friends at new schools and getting good grades, being in the Arts and Drama Club, dreaming about my future in what I wanted to do when I grew up. I daydreamed about traveling the world, going to University, earning an honest living, being successful and financially independent. I had fun, hanging out with my friends, having a boyfriend, and getting my driver's license. I can't really remember ever worrying or wondering about the pressure of where I fit in when I was growing up, or what part of my face or body I wanted to change.

I was a bit of a tom boy, yet I wore girly things like skirts and dresses. I wasn't overly thin, yet I wasn't overweight by any means. I was athletic and definately a late bloomer. I didn't get my period till I was 16 years old. I remember being so excited to finally be a woman. I was actively involved in team sports, I loved soccer.

I guess looking back, I never really had any problems fitting in, or making friends. We did move around a lot growing up, and being an extrovert, I tended to make friends easily. I had two significant boyfriends growing up, one throughout Junior high and the other throughout High School. I was asked out a by boys, and never had a hard time getting a date to the school dance. I suppose I was lucky when it came to meeting boys. I wasn't the prettiest girl in school, or the best athlete, I surely wasn't the smartest kid in school, but I never had a hard time making friends or getting a nice boyfriend. I was an extrovert and still am. I always enjoyed making new friends and talking to pretty much anyone. People have always fascinated me.

In high school I learned a bit about how important it was to fit in. The start of Grade 10 was pretty interesting to me. This is where I discovered how powerful breasts are. It is like they have some kind of control or possession over boys. There aren't many high school boys out there who are set up in a way that allows them to ignore the opportunity to get a sneak peak at a girls boobs. Boys know all the optimal times for getting that sneak peak too, during swimming classes in cold wet pools, or on a sunny day in a sheer blouse or a fast look down the front of a girls low rise shirt.

But that's not just boys, its grown men too! Men are "breast obsessed". It's a human thing, and ladies are even guilty of being "breast obsessed". I think it's hardwired into our brains as infants, men and women alike, that breasts are an important part of our survival. Most of us lived off of the fantabulous milk boobies at one point in our life, so it's only understandable that we carry a certain fondness for them as we grow older. I have come across my share of female friends who have under the influence of one too many martini's feel the need to grab a boob here and there. Can you imagine if every male guy after a few beers felt compelled to grab a breast and acted on it? There would be a lot of slaps across the face or potential law suits. The crazy thing is, I find women are more breast obsessed then men. We stare at other women's boobs, whether they are big or small, flat or little deflated raisins, or porn star implants, we judge them, we rate them, we criticize them and we envy them. Women are obsessed with boobs just as much as men if not more. We are all guilty of staring or admiring another woman's nice boobs. I guess you could say I lucked out in the boob department. But when friend's say "Your'e so lucky to have big boobs" they don't realize there are many cute blouses I cannot buy or wear as they make blouses for either little 12 year old girls, or they fit like a damn tent way too big. But don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. As far as physical attributes go, my breasts are my favorite.

I'm a realist, and I let's face it, none of us are 100% happy with everything about ourselves. Some of us wish we were taller, some of us wish we had more money, some of us wish we were smarter, skinnier, prettier, funnier, and the list could go on. But this is what makes the world we live in so interesting, we are all different, or at least we once were before the media and movies and Hollywood started to dictate what was considered beautiful or perfect. As I sit here and wonder what category do I fit in when it comes to a woman's body type, I'm honestly not quite sure, nor do I feel like I fit into any "type" because I have always just been me. I have never been celebrity obsessed, or found myself wishing I looked like anyone else. Of course there are some things I wish were a little different in my appearance, like the slight bump on my nose from falling down in grade 8 on a friends trampoline, or the left pinky on my hand that was broken in grade 9 and is now permanently crooked. I work out almost every day, I try to eat healthy and organic foods. I have always valued the importance of focusing on my inner self, and working towards being a good role model. I eat well and healthy, I don't believe in diets. I work out because it feels good to excersize and sweat. I do things because they feel good, and that's what I find beautiful, feeling good. So physically where do I fit in today? What is considered overweight, what is considered underweight? What is fit, what is healthy, what is attractive? The traditional theory of beauty says that for every man who chases the voluptuous type, such as Marilyn Monroe, or Kim Kardashian, there is another who prefers to be with a waif such as Twiggy or Kate Moss. Psychologists research says that love struck men have only one thing on their minds: a woman's WHR - waist-hip ratio, calculated by dividing waist circumference by that of the hips. In Hollywood standards I wonder where I would fit in, I'm probably considered overweight because I'm not a size 2, I'm a size 8. But lucky for me, I don't live in Hollywood. Exactly when did cosmetic surgery become as common as ordering a Starbucks latte? What was once reserved for table gossip, or speculative rumors, is now something women brag about and even proudly show their before and after photos.

I am worried about the future of young women, and how Hollywood dictates what is considered attractive. I feel that women with power and influence have a responsibility to young women growing up today. Women should be teaching young girls about focusing on their strengths of character, intelligence, integrity, courage and determination. Hollywood has a responsibility to help head it there. When young women see celebrities going under the knife and receiving numerous surgeries, I don't believe celebrities understand or comprehend the effect they have on young girls. The message that is being delivered to young girls is that even famous celebrities aren't good enough, or pretty enough and need to change the way they look to be the "It" girl or get the leading lady role in the latest movie. The thing is, I have my own movement, nothing special or unique, in fact it's quit simple really. Where do I fit in? Who am I? I am kind, I am generous, I am honest, I am loyal, I am supportive, I am creative, I am funny, I am passionate, I am Me, and I love who I am.

Your Dad Determines Who You Will Marry

Before reading my blog today, I would like to ask the women reading this blog what kind of father was your dad? For the men with daughters, I would like to ask you how you see yourself as a father and role model to your daughter? One of the many reasons I fell in love with my husband was because of his loving and supportive relationship with his daughter.

My husband is truly an inspiring person, he is a man of integrity, determination, and courage. I admire him more than he will ever really know. He has over come many obstacles in his life and I have become that annoying wife who brags constantly about how great my husband is. But it's true, and I remind him all the time how proud I am of him, and everything he has accomplished in his life. Of course he knows how much I love him, but I sometimes wonder, will he ever truly know how lucky I believe I am to be married to him. He is so many things to me, he is my best friend, and he is my lover and my husband and a great father. He is respectful, loyal, honest, determined, modest and he looks to me as his equal. He leads by example, a man of action, and not so many words. He is there every time it counts. So how did I become so lucky? We live in a world where the divorce rate succeeds marriage. I hear too often from women how unhappy they are in their marriage because of disappointment in their husband and how their husband treats them. I wonder, are there that many assholes out there, or are these women marrying the wrong guys and repeating the same mistake in going after the bad boy type. Then I wonder, how did I find that "one" guy that doesn't party, smoke, drink, do drugs, go to the bars, cheat, lie, come home late, ignore me, disrespect me? How did I find a man who loves me, respects me, desires me, puts up with me, cuddles me, goes on dates with me, takes the garbage out without having to be asked, never forgets my B day or a special anniversary. Involves me in his personal hobbies and interests, wants to spend his free time with me, and enjoys my company? How did I find such a great man, and a loving father to his daughters?

I believe it all boils down to my dad. Yep, that's right my dad. I grew up with a great role model in regards to the first Man in my life. Parents under estimate a fathers role in his daughters life. Here's the thing, society leans heavily on the idea that mother's play a far more important role in their children's up bringing. But Father's are equally important. Father's do not get enough credit in my opinion, when it comes to the impact they have on their daughter's future. Girls need their fathers especially in the most critical years during puberty and teen years. In a mother centric society, fathers get very little recognition for their role in raising daughters. But when you think about it, a father is the first male that a girl comes to intimately know, and he can set the stage for how his daughter interacts in future relationships, especially with men. Now some people may wonder where this is going, and why I am emphasizing on the importance of father daughter relationships, but if you can keep an open mind, and mother's please don't take offense, but fathers have more of a significant impact on their daughters "self esteem" than mothers do. I grew up with a loving, supportive, encouraging, protective, honorable father, and amazing husband to my mom. I believe how your father treats you growing up, and your mother, will determine what you will seek out in your relationships with men. If you grew up with a supportive and loving dad, you will look to mimic these positive qualities in other men. Father's have this unique ability to inspire their daughter's, and daughter's give their father power like no other male in their life.

Research confirms, again and again, that a father plays a unique role in the development of his daughters self-esteem, behavior, life choices and relationships. Higher levels of father involvement in activities with their daughters, such as eating meals together, going on outings, and helping with homework, spending father daughter dates together are all associated with fewer behavior problems, higher levels of sociability, and a higher level of school performance among girls and adolescents. When it comes to the specific father-daughter relationship your Dad’s involvement is uniquely influential. Most psychologists believe, that all future romantic relationships to occur in a girl's life will be influenced positively or negatively by the way she perceives and interacts with her dad. It makes perfect sense to me. Looking back at my girl friends who had multiple jerk boyfriends, were the friends who either had fathers who had left their mother's or fathers who were never around. What kind of father was your dad to you, how is your husband with your daughter? If your dad rejected you and ignored you, and was always too busy for you, you will likely spend your life trying to replace him in your heart. If your dad was warm and nurturing, you will likely look for a lover to equal to your dad. It doesn't seem all that complex to me, and it amazes me how many young women find themselves repeating the cycle of dating the typical "jerk" or "emotionally unavailable" guys. Yet if your dad thinks you are beautiful, worthy, and feminine, and praises you, you will be inclined to see your self that way. I may upset a lot of mothers with my next comment, but I believe it is your father who gives you your self confidence, not your mother. Practically speaking, your dad has the opportunity to demonstrate to you how a man treats a woman. Your dad sets the standard for your future relationships with men. When a young woman grows up with a healthy loving relationship with her father or a man that is her father figure it can greatly dictate the man that she chooses to spend her life with. When a woman can have the gift of a wonderful loving relationship with her father she will grow up to be a woman who is not looking for a man to fill that void but to be with a man that she can share her love and life with. Many times we think that the first love of a woman’s life is her first boyfriend or her husband but the truth is the first person that is the love of a woman's life is her father, or it should be in a healthy good father daughter relationship. As a child the first man that you will love is your dad and that love will be part of who you are and who you become. When a girl has a father that teaches her respect for herself, shows her by example how to be kind to women, helps her to build her character and guides her to loving herself, she will hold that feeling of self respect and love throughout her life. The benefits of Father Daughter relationships are reported by Doctors and research all over the world. What I'm talking about isn't anything new. Studies have found that girls with good communication with their fathers also have significantly better communication with their boyfriends when compared to girls with low communication with their fathers. Girls with high levels of trust with their fathers also have significantly better communication and trust with their boyfriends. Women who had issues with their fathers and several negative experiences tend to repeat that cycle with their partners and their husbands. So the next time you find your self being disrespected by some jerk, take a step back and ask yourself, what kind of dad did I have? The next time your out on a fabulous date night with your husband, who I might add adore's you, give your dad a quick call and thank him for being such a great dad. It really isn't rocket science, and I am certainly no genius, but it makes perfect sense to me how we choose the men we choose as partners and who we have to blame or thank for in choosing our partners. We have tv talk shows like Oprah and plenty of studies and research that tell us that Fathers who play an active role in their daughters life, tend to have daughters who do better in school and go on to college or university. Daughters with supportive fathers tend to be more successful in careers and marry similar partners that hold similar traits as their father. So the next time your watching your husband interact or not interact with your daughter, ask yourself what kind of father is he? Is he a wonderful father, if so be sure to tell him how much you love him, and how great of a father he is. If he is not the father you had hoped him to be to your daughter, encourage him to be the father you want him to be. Some men don't realize how important they are in their daughter's lives and just need a little encouragement.

It is because of my dad I married the man I married today. I am grateful to have such a great dad and an amazing husband.

Humility in An Apology

I have never been the type of person to hold a grudge when some one has done me wrong. Nor have I ever held my breath waiting for a deserving apology. How ever I have always been the type of person who will apologize when I am in the wrong. It is my belief that in feeling sorry about something I've done, does not mean I should necessarily feel weak. The fact that I did something wrong does not make me a less worthy person. There is no one on this plant who is free of ever doing something wrong. It is how we handle our wrong doing's that make us better versions of ourselves. We all mistakes and apologizing is a gesture of humility. To have humility makes us remarkably likable. When people are modest, sincere and humble we find ourselves very drawn to them as they possess those qualities we all admire in a person. A sincere apology should never put any pressure on the person receiving the apology to accept it. If I'm going to take ownership for my error when I have made a mistake, I certainly want to be sincere in my apology and ensure the person receiving my apology feels and knows I am being genuine. Otherwise why even bothering to apologize? By being sincere in your apology, you freely admit the powerlessness to change or influence the other’s feelings, and just accepts things as they are. A sincere apology should make you feel relieved and stronger, like you have truly dealt with something and put the worst of it behind you.

I would never apologize to someone unless it was coming from a place of self-respect. A truly sincere apology works two ways, you see; the other person gets the recognition that you have witnessed their pain, and that you truly care. But you also get the recognition from yourself that you are doing what it takes to get back on the right track, if you will. A true apology liberates you for that moment in having to fix anything or change anything. The act of apologizing is an admission that you either don’t know what to fix or how, or that it’s just not your place to try. It takes a certain strength, to be able to stand there in acceptance of the things you can’t change when the time comes to say you’re sorry or you were wrong. Now I have made some apologies in my past to friends where I felt I was certainly in the wrong. Most friends have openly accepted my sincere apology, but there is always the possibility that your friend will not listen to your apology. But if they do listen, which they often will, you will become a better person, as you are not only being strong for yourself; you are strong for your potential partner in the apologizing process. Even if your apology is not accepted right away, you can walk away knowing you made a sincere effort from your heart to be a better person.